The Silence is Deafing…
April 3rd, 2007
Now I really know what that means - the laughter, silliness, and just overall boyish noise that he brought into our house - the silence is deafing…My feelings over the last year have varied widely - anger, sadness, pain, despair, uncaring, love & pride for you, blessed to having you as a son, hopeful & eager to see you again, agony, listlessness, laziness, procrastination, joy over your salvation…and so many others. Through my Compassionate Friends group I have learned that the pain will never go away or get better - but it will be easier to manage over time.
I have put together some short memories of Trenton - some of you may remember these: the color green, kit kat bars, root beer popsicles and lollipops, strawberries w/cool whip, steamed broccoli, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, “Cold” hot cereal, power rangers/ninja turtles, secret kisses, jumping on trampoline, Mickey Mouse waffles, leg rubs & foot rubs, diving for objects in pool, getting mommy wet after bathtime, picnics, Star Wars w/daddy, I’m gonna get your butumbay, Your number one next to me, I think you have to turn it up, laughing with snorts, touching my cheek when time was close, Besse mi, Having the “Blahs”, Blah-Blah-Blah-Blah-Blah, Opposite days, I’m not going to be your mommy/sister/grandma anymore, 1-2-3 blast off, Let me talk, you wanna get married?, playing candyland-kerplunk-disney trivial pursuit, hands always busy, I wanna do it myself, And a 1-and a 2-and a 3 (in the voice of Sami, Tyler, & Missy), yelling goodbye to Ana when she got on the school bus, pulling on mommy’s ford ID and letting go for the “snap”, playing with light sabers, writing notes to papa/mimi/ana/jarret/nick/mommy/daddy, writing notes to Mrs Kuchar - saying “I love her”, squeezing Dr. Rubin’s fingers, like this-like this-like this-or like this, mommy-watch this…, skipping for the 1st time, going fishing with papa Richards, touching mommy’s earrings and necklace, hitting/throwing baseballs, ban(van) & glubs (gloves), socks pulled up to your knees, fingers in your nose, biting your nails too far, chasing Samson around the house, Rescue heros in the bathtub, sledding with Ariana, caught eating bread/parm cheese/carrots/pancake mix for breakfast, snuggling at bedtime, smelling your hair, “I love you mommy” w/ a kiss on the cheek, scaring with a “boo”, dimples on our cheeks, picking out your own clothes, looking out the sun roof waiting for daddy, laughing when daddy fell into the bean bags, hiding in upstairs bathroom closet waiting for mommy to play the big bad wolf, “If you could do anything - what would you do Trent?” - “I wanna to go to Texas with Jarret!”, arcade games/going to the fun center, giving you kisses, wrestling on the floor, flying kites, laughter & silliness always….I could go on and on….
FOR MY SON - TRENTON
(by Donna Anderson)
Your room is dark
I cannot see
Once you were here
laying beside me…
You were my light
and filled my heart
then God called to you
and my heart fell apart…
There are no words
for the way I feel
I always hope
this is not real….
I will love you forever
and think of you everday
believing that in heaven
your days are filled with play…
Although many tears
have fallen from my eyes
I cannot wait for the day
when we NEVER say good-bye!!!
We flew Batman kites yesterday with Papa Richards and MIMI. My kite really took off and we added 3 spools of kite string - it felt as if Trenton was pulling the kite up and up….I know that he would have enjoyed flying those kites!!!
Thank you so much for the cards and phone calls!! I know that I have not called many of my friends and family over the last year - I am still not quite “right” yet….I really do not know how to put it - and cannot really explain the feelings. I am sure to manage much better over time….
What are we doing today? I have been asked that alot….and really I do not know how to respond….because I do not know really what to do - we will make plans as the day progresses - more that likely doing something that Trenton would have really enjoyed. Thanks for visiting and remembering Trenton on his 1st anniversary in heaven!!!
Donna (Trenie’s mommy forever and ever!!)
 |
||
****************
